The Hills are Alive...and they are scary as hell.

Why don't I own the "Sound of Music" soundtrack? Off all the music required to spend a week in the Austrian countryside, that is the most obvious choice. I've already had two Fraulein Maria moments. The first occurred at last night's festival concert where the Van Trapp family singers performed just before rushing off to the hills- spotlight on Maria and all! Not really, but the performance was still reminiscent of the famous film and begged for someone in the audience to burst into "Edelweiss." The other moment occurred on Monday's hike down the mountain when the countryside, fresh air and rolling hills forced me to burst into "The Hills are Alive" roughly seven times.

Today's hike held the same magical promise. I was prepared to be overwhelmed by the serenity and beauty of Northern Austria. And I was, at least for the first hour. Practicing solitude and silence has never been my strong point but I managed to leave the ipod behind and to simply enjoy the sounds of nature. Birds chirping, cows mooing, deer bounding away and not a car or human in sight; the first hour was breathtaking and unbelievably peaceful. I romanticized life in the country and all the advantages of spending time away from the hustle and bustle of the modern world.

My descent into paranoia began as the first idyllic hour came to a close. The cows' moos turned from calm to menacing, almost as if they could sense I unapologetically eat their brethren. Suddenly aware that a thin fence was all that separated me from discovering what was behind the maniacal eyes of the bull, I kicked up my speed. This wasn't enough for the dogs though. They decided I was actually a threat to their delicious friends and barked at me until I created enough space between us.

My afternoon switched from the "Sound of Music" to "Twilight" as I went further into the woods. Confusing signs, the ominous cool of the forest and the realization that I could be mauled by a bear and never found caused me to rethink the solo hike. According to my understanding of the world, the best case scenario was a fight to the death between Edward and Jacob to decide who would have my heart. This seemed as likely as following my bread crumbs back to the witch and nearly being thrown in an oven, but I didn't want to take my chances. As a city dweller, I still have the gut instinct that when no other humans can be found the place must be dangerous. Yeah, I didn't grow up camping.

Lessons learned from today's excursion:
Kids should be brought into the forest and forced to survive at a young age.
I watch too much TV.
In a fight to the death between Edward and Jacob, Jacob would totally win.
I can't spend more than one hour apart from civilization without descending into madness and paranoia.
Someday cows will rise up and make us pay for McDonald's. But it is still worth it.

You know it's bad when...

Let's look at a few signs that a concert is failing:

1) It involves jazz
2) People are leaving and not returning
3) You have an intense case of the giggles
4) Even the guy next to you with no musical talent thinks this is a waste of time
5) You are counting lights on the ceiling

I can sit through most concerts that last less than two hours, but I am not perfect. When I attended Blue Lake Fine Arts camp as a child, sitting through a two hour concert every evening was a bit much for me. My giggling fits and inability to stop commenting on the night's performers meant that I endured a lot of scowls and firm warnings from camp counselors over the years. When I couldn't distract others, I was forced to count the tiles on the ceiling and find flaws in the performer's outfits. Since middle school I have developed a real live attention span which can be prolonged if I have play-doh, candy or some other way to occupy my hands or mouth (let's not go there).

Last night was a challenge; Chanda and I attended a concert in conjunction with Freistadt's summer music festival. Truthfully the concert never had a chance with us. It was a German "liederkreis" or "song cycle" with 24 songs that focused on the theme of romantic love, rivers and eventual suicide. Upbeat to say the least. Instead of a traditional take on the liederkreis, last night's performers combined it with Austrian jazz. Austrian jazz is interesting mostly because it's not. Instead of improvisational jazz, Austrian jazz is completely prepared and leaves no room for artistry during the performance. Already with two strikes against it, this performance was sunk because of the soloists' crazy bug eyes which maintained an unusually high level of discomfort within the auditorium. Five minutes into the first song my eyes started to glaze over and I could feel the drool preparing to decorate my shirt at a moment's notice.

Chanda was the real problem. Three straight weeks of piano masterclasses with minimal sleep meant that she had the tolerance of a small child. We started with small, knowing glances, but within twenty minutes the mocking and unnecessary comments began. When I leaned over for my 10th petty comment of the evening, Chanda did the same and I ended up actually biting her ear. That was the beginning of the end. The giggling fit was underway and eventually we both got up to "use the bathroom" for the next hour.

No one was seemed surprised. An hour into the concert I had already seen about twenty people excuse themselves, counted the ceiling light multiple times and mapped out the rest of my week. My gum was tasteless from excessive boredom chewing and without other toys, the concert was officially over. After re-grouping in a nearby room, Chanda and I decided to spend way too much money to take a taxi home and forget the concert ever happened.

Tonight we are attending another concert at the festival. Regardless of how horrible it could be, there is always a chance this will be the best concert of the year, right?! Maybe I will bring my doodle pad with me, just in case.