The call. The email. The facebook message.
They all begin the same way, “I’m sorry but I have some bad
news;” your stomach drops, your heartbeat quickens and you go through the worst
case scenarios. There are the ones that you’ve ‘prepared’ for as much as anyone
can prepare for bad news, the ones that aren’t as terrible as you suspected and
then there are the losses that you never saw coming. In one quick
communication, everything changes. That workshop you were worrying about? It
doesn’t really matter. That amazing trip you are planning? Seems like more of a
nuisance than an invigorating journey. That meeting in 20 minutes? Could it
matter any less right now? You hang up the phone, close the email, exit facebook
and feel the shock and disbelief. So many things to do but you are sitting on
the wrong side of the world.
I was recently asked how one makes the choice to leave home
while there are so many people who want you to stay. Yesterday I would have responded
with a banal ‘follow your heart’ and a monologue on the many benefits of
starting over and embracing adventure as an adult. That was yesterday. This
morning I woke up cursing my independent streak, overwhelmed by feelings of
selfishness for my habitual absence. I woke up with my heart hurting for my gentle friend, her generous family and their terrible loss. I woke up wanting nothing more than
to give her the biggest bear hug and with the power to undo the past.
As much as I want to dwell in self-pity, I recognize there is nothing I could “do” on the other side of
the ocean except simply be present. Mourning is meant to be done communally, not fighting tears alone in
the apartment. Today I want nothing more than to invade the home of a friend
for forty days. To sit with her, her family and friends and share tears,
memories, hugs and melancholy laughter. To just be present. Instead, I mourn the best that I can, sending love, lights, prayers and thoughts to Michigan. A great, big bear hug
is just over six weeks away.
This one’s for the lonely child
Broken hearted, running wild
This was written for the one to blame
One who believes they are the cause of chaos and
everything
You may find yourself in the dead of night
Lost somewhere up in the great big beautiful sky
You were all just perfect little satellites
Spinning round and round this broken earthly life
This is so you’ll know the sound
Of someone who loves you from the ground
Tonight you’re not alone at all
This is me sending out my satellite call
This is so you’ll know the sound
Of someone who loves you from the ground
Tonight you’re not alone at all
This is me sending out my satellite call
Sara Bareilles' "Satellite Call"
