Satellite Call

The call. The email. The facebook message.

They all begin the same way, “I’m sorry but I have some bad news;” your stomach drops, your heartbeat quickens and you go through the worst case scenarios. There are the ones that you’ve ‘prepared’ for as much as anyone can prepare for bad news, the ones that aren’t as terrible as you suspected and then there are the losses that you never saw coming. In one quick communication, everything changes. That workshop you were worrying about? It doesn’t really matter. That amazing trip you are planning? Seems like more of a nuisance than an invigorating journey. That meeting in 20 minutes? Could it matter any less right now? You hang up the phone, close the email, exit facebook and feel the shock and disbelief. So many things to do but you are sitting on the wrong side of the world.

I was recently asked how one makes the choice to leave home while there are so many people who want you to stay. Yesterday I would have responded with a banal ‘follow your heart’ and a monologue on the many benefits of starting over and embracing adventure as an adult. That was yesterday. This morning I woke up cursing my independent streak, overwhelmed by feelings of selfishness for my habitual absence. I woke up with my heart hurting for my gentle friend, her generous family and their terrible loss. I woke up wanting nothing more than to give her the biggest bear hug and with the power to undo the past.

As much as I want to dwell in self-pity, I recognize there is nothing I could “do” on the other side of the ocean except simply be present. Mourning is meant to be done communally, not fighting tears alone in the apartment. Today I want nothing more than to invade the home of a friend for forty days. To sit with her, her family and friends and share tears, memories, hugs and melancholy laughter. To just be present. Instead, I mourn the best that I can, sending love, lights, prayers and thoughts to Michigan. A great, big bear hug is just over six weeks away.

This one’s for the lonely child

Broken hearted, running wild

This was written for the one to blame

One who believes they are the cause of chaos and everything

You may find yourself in the dead of night

Lost somewhere up in the great big beautiful sky

You were all just perfect little satellites

Spinning round and round this broken earthly life

This is so you’ll know the sound

Of someone who loves you from the ground

Tonight you’re not alone at all

This is me sending out my satellite call

This is so you’ll know the sound

Of someone who loves you from the ground

Tonight you’re not alone at all

This is me sending out my satellite call

Sara Bareilles' "Satellite Call"